the weight is never over

Insecurity comes in myriad forms. 

You've sensed it in the woman who refuses to acknowledge you at the start of team meetings. It bulges out like the biceps of the guy at the gym who has to lift five more kilos than you. Whether emotional or physical, it is at once vehemently denied yet undeniably familiar.

And insecurity is prefaced by just as many excuses. My friends have likely cottoned onto mine by now. 'I don't do water!' often partners with 'Can you imagine me in board shorts? It's just not my look.' Wave after wave of imagined reasons for not going to the beach, and all because I'm uncomfortable with my weight.

As I see it, I've been a fatty since I was five years old. No doubt that term carried more weight (see - I'm even over-indulging on the puns!) in my teen years than it does now, but it's hard to relinquish decades' worth of physical unhappiness at the first signs of improvement.

Even these signs represent both the good and bad of the weight loss battle. Stepping out of the shower last week, I took a moment to - dare I say it - admire my new, more slimline form, only to be distracted by a family of new stretch marks. Not unlike Linda Blair's character scratching 'help me' from inside her own demon-possessed body, these marks were a message from the skinny person inside me trying to get out (thank you Edina Monsoon)!

Is this weight problem all in my head? Well, it's certainly not in my legs, but as fellow wobble-warriors would attest such insecurities aren't exclusively mental or physical. And like me, they're probably tired of hearing 'it's what inside that counts'. I find that so dismissive; I'm not a soul floating through life without a body - my physical self is as much a part of who I am as the brain that keeps transmitting chocolate cravings.

Can I ever rid myself of this insecurity? Will I leave it in the past as I push-up and pull-up to a new future, or will it manifest in a new and more terrifying complex? Only time will tell. I can't deny that, as far as hang-ups go, it is a pretty good motivator to do better. I hope that woman in the team meeting can be similarly inspired - seriously, what is her problem?